Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween :)


Since it is halloween today I thought I would tell you guys all about my fears (in list form ofcourse).

1. I'm not scared of death but of not living my life to the fullest. I don't want to be laying on my death bed regreting things in my past. I want to be able to accept everything I have done and know it was good for me.

2. I'm scared of not being able to find a dream to chase after.

3. I'm terrified of tornado's.

4. Any kind of insect creeps me out. Even butterflies and lady bugs. They are just gross. ESPECIALLY spiders.

5. Even though I'm not very religious I believe in ghost and demons and the idea of them scares me. I have had experiance's with ghost at my old house and demons with Ouiji Boards. It is a big fear of mine to be obssesd by a demon. I used to feel like I am and still feel that way sometimes. I still believe a spirt follows me everywhere and I believe it has for a long while. My mom always told me when I was little that that was just a angle protecting me but I've never felt safe with the feeling that I feel. The feeling of the presance being with me at all times and watching me. It makes me feel volnerable and weak, not safe and strong. I just don't think it's a good spirt which freaks the shit out of me.

6. I love scary movies but if anything like that happened in real life I would poop my pants. I'm REALLY scared of movies like saw and stuff where you get kidnapped and tortured. It just creeps me out and I don't want anything like that to happen to me. Or anyone I know. But I feel like this one is obvious for anyone lol.

7. I'm scared of not being able to find more fears and satisfying my readers. I'm like that with every blog I do.

8. I'm scared of not getting into a good collage and being able to make a name for myself. I don't want to be doing something I don't want to do when I get older. It scares me that the decisions I am making now are affecting my life in the future. I hate how my first two years of high school I slacked off and now those choices can prevent me me from doing what I love later on.

9. I'm scared of not falling in love. I know I can survive easily on my own but in my head being love is like being accepted by society in a way. It's weird to think about because I'm never in a relation ship but I do just want to be loved and accepted by everyone.

I think I'm done for now  I'm writing this one my phone and I can't really see what I'm writing so I'm sorry for all of the mistakes. If I think of more I'll continue on another blog. But as of right now I'm done. Happy halloween and goodnight :)


Friday, October 29, 2010



I just realized while laying in bed that I don't think I'm attractive. I've never had someone who has told me I'm beautiful or has made me feel that way. I always think I'm just this big tub of lard. My legs are fat, my butt, my stomac. The only thing skinny on me is my arms. Why do I wear skinny jeans? And then after all of that ran through my head I thought about how I sound like one of those bitches that say stuff so people tell them I'm pretty b/c that isn't what I want at all. I just want to someone to be real with me. I need to stop putting this in my head and stop distracting myself from boys b/c of it. I need to grow some balls and like myself more b/c I'm going to be in this body for a good long while. No matter how hard it'll be...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

phone blog about homophobia...

hey girl heyyyyy,

So todays topic is on homophobia and junkk.

I'm writing on my phone so this might be wonky.

So I was laying in bed thinking and I totaly understand homophobia kinda. I mean being gay does come across as "hey look at me if I'm gay everyone will love me. I'm just going to be a little juvinial punk and disobey god!". So when religious groups go on and on about how wrong it is I get it. Also most people are very clueless and ignorant when it comes to it most of the time. I feel that if you want to hate something you have to be truly knowlaged in it. And I just spelled that worng...oh well. But anyway, I get it but they need to learn and understand before they go and bash something.

In society today people see being gay as a bad thing or something to joke about. I understand that, it's like making a race or religious joke. It's only funny to the people making the jokes though. They only thing that is different w/ gay jokes is that there is no compasion in them most of the time. People need to understand that just because I'm gay I'm still a person. Also I don't get hurt by people and their opinions unless it's someone I care about or if I get death threats or something. I've noticed that people get mad a lot more them I do with this subject and I think it is just because I'm used to it. But I feel like why should I just accept those kind of remarks and opinions. Is it because I have respect for that person and their opinions or is it something else?

the only time it bothers me is when someone is uncomfortable around me because of it. Especially if it is someone I consider a friend. I have noticed that some of the people I think I'm friends with get uncomfortable a lot which sucks soooo much. And I hate that because 96% of the time it's guys. Everytime I have a friendship with a straight guy I value that friendship so much and it hurts when I can tell they arnt sure of it.  But also again I do understand their views. I mean I feel uncomfortable in a room full of straight guys so I can see their point.

I'm a very understanding persob but I'm not sure if it a good or bad thing sometimes because I'm scared that makes me nieve and stupid. A lot of my traits are like that though and the more I look into myself the more I don't like. Idk. My blogs make me sound depressed. Next blog will be happy and about my great life and not my weird sad veiws.

I need to blog more so I will. Bye :) and sorry for all the mis-spellings :/

Sunday, October 10, 2010

it's not even my relationship, why am I unhappy?

Greetings Earthlings,

so I'm writing this on my phone, sorry if there are any mispellings (there will  probably be many)

I told you I would start blogging again so here I go. One of my friends started talking to someone and going to the movies w/ them and junkk and I feel like that should make me happy but it doesn't. I mean shure I am happy for them but it just makes me feel bad. I want a boyfriend and someone to love who isn't family or friends. I want that feeling and relationship. But right now I can't have it. There is no one here for me and that bugs me so much. Everyone can easily find a boyfriend or a girlfriend but I can't. But also I feel like sometimes I easily stop myself from liking people. Once I start growing feelings I get rid of them faster then they even came. I feel like I have to protect myself. But then what's the diffrence from protecting myself and getting in the way of my want? It just sucks sometimes. I wish I wasn't gay a lot of the time. I'm tired of being hated for no reason. Just the other day this chick beside me at lunch was talking about gay people. How we are wrong and that girls and boys are put on the world for a reason. I'm tired of hearing people use adjectives like "disgusting" and "wrong" to describe me. I want them to describe my personality, not their veiws on gays. I also am tired of not being able to fall in love. I mean shure I can but it's sooo much harder. Plus I can't even get married. Which is stupid. All these gay people around the You.S are killing themselves and I feel their pain. My life isn't that bad where I feel like the only solution is to take myself out perminitly. I would never kill myself but I see and feel their pain.

But on a brighter note I'm doing a LOT in theatre. I'm in a one act that is going to competition. I'm the lead in the fall play and it's the part that I feel is kinda made for me. I'm in a musical called Pippin. I was originally one of the stage managers but now I'm in the ensamble and that's a good experience too. I'm also doing to monologues in my theatre D class and both are challenging. I have so much going on and it makes me wonder why I'm actually doing this if I always think that I don't like it. And I guess it's really I hate how I have to work for it but doesn't everyone hate working for what they want? I mean shure I might not like theatre but as of right now this is my only outlit for my acting so the more I do the better. It's all one big learning experience. And today while watching Camp Rocl 2 (b/c I'm lame) I realized movies are what I want to do and I ant wait for the time to come when I am actually in thhem.

well I'm off to bed. Goodnight everyone. And sweet dreams :)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sorry Guys,

Uhmmmm... well this is awkward.

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Ive been pretty busy trying to get all A's in my classes and doing 3 plays at once. Its really exhausting and I will blog at another time. Sorry to disappoint but I will begin soon. As of right now... my life is to busy to fit it in. But don't give up hope I WILL start again.