The End.

I honestly feel like this is the end my friends.

The mission of the blog was to figure out who I am and its almost been a year and I honestly feel like I have achieved that goal. I know who I am. I know what has made me this person and who are going to help me overcome my problems. I might not know what my future brings like I did before but I've realized that that isn't really a problem. I'll deal with the future when it comes but right now I need to deal with the present. I need to deal with overcoming my depression and worry. I need to fully deal with my past and not ignore it and let it affect me like I have been. I need to have fun. This blog isnt meant to help me with my feelings. This blog isnt going to make me feel better. My friends are. Even though so many worries go on about them in my head ALL THE TIME writing them down isnt going to help me. This blog did and completed its mission. Im happy with the person I am. I just need to realize that there are people in this world that are too.

Thanks Blogger and thanks followers who have read/commented/ and of course followed.

As of Right Now...

Goodbye. =]

Guess What?!?!

Instead of going to Prom tonight I'm thinking about just throwing myself a big pity party...

Oh! And I'll PROB delete my blog...

yeahhhh, me=knows how to have fun on a friday night.

night-night :)

Come w/ me my love to the sea, the sea of love.

 

Been stuck in my head ALL day. 

1. I'm so terrified. Like I've been trying to hide it but I really cant. My mom is having surgery Monday and just the thought of her dying is one that I cant imagine w/out crying. Like I'm basically crying right now. My life wouldn't work w/out her in it. Like my dad is a truck driver so his life revolves around driving and taking care of us. Since he only comes in like once a month he never has the chance to make friends and stuff so w/out my mom he doesn't really have a lot left and idk what he would do because it isn't like I'm very close to him. My sisters dad died about 2yrs ago and she still hasn't exactly went back to her old self so if my mom died she would be a orphan and i don't even know is she would be ale to leave her bed because she can hardly leave the house now. And me... who knows. I just cant handle. My mom is my best friend and its ALWAYS been me and her. She's guided me through so much and w/out her I wouldn't know the difference between left and right. I'm scared =[ 

2. I'm worried about my health. I was 3 months premature when I was born so obviously my health has never been the best and I was in the hospital for the first 2 years of my life. But my health has never really gotten better. When I was younger I never noticed but as I get older and more aware I notice it more. Plus being around smoke doesn't help. I've just always felt like I'm going to die young and I don't want to die with out completing my goals. But honestly I feel like if I died tomorrow my life has been pretty great. 

3. I might audition for a play Monday but I'm scared because of my enunciation. Ever since I knocked out my tooth in the 5th grade my speech has never been perfect. And every time I get comfortable and able to talk more clearly something happens that pushes me back. Now that Ive taken a break I haven't been practising it and that worries me. I just cant wait to turn 18 and get my tooth. 

Bed =[

hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Hi,
I feel the need to blog. Like I have to, but I'm not entirely sure what to blog about...
LIST TIME!
1. So, my interview for Carowinds is Saturday which I'm uber excited about. I already basically know what I'm going to say because a friend of mine works there and she told me all the things they asked. Plus they basically hire EVERYONE so that's a plus. The only thing I have to worry about is a ride there all the time because it is 45min away so if I don't have a ride I cant just call up someone and be like "Wanna take me to work?!". But my friend can take me most of the time and I have my parents so hopefully all will work out and I'll get the job. I just like the idea of working in unusual place. I already tried the last standing single roomed movie theatre in the US so now its time to try a theme park! I'm most likely going to be on the games so even better! ME ME ME SO EXCITED <3

2. That was kinda corny....

3. I'm such a Big Brother freak, It's kinda sad. Like I could totally write a 20pg paper on the impact of Big Brother on British culture and media. Sad, sad, sad.

4. So I've recently realized that I'm totally turned off of dating right now. Like pda just kinda turns me off, and Id worry about being to distant. Plus I get really dependent on the person I date and I hate that. I don't like putting all my trust in someone, but not because I have trust issues but just because it makes me feel bad about myself. Like I start second guessing what the other person feels about me and I feel like I'm being annoying. Its just not good. Also, I wouldn't want to date someone who goes to my school b/c of pda. I wouldn't want to date someone out of school b/c I wouldn't want the distance. But also I would like to date someone older and out of school but that's hard to find. So as of right now...it just isn't a good idea right now. But then I'm just left with flings which I'm not entirely sure about. I'm not against it but it doesn't really help anyone out does it? I'm just a mess. Single is boring me but furthering it is complicated =/  


5. Do you ever just want to sneak into someones house and watch what they do all day...I do.

6. I feel like people need to know the difference between Liking someone and Lusting someone. Like, forreal.

7. This blog was mighty lame. I need to collect my thoughts, write them down and blog tomorrow.

Night Night.

Wompppppppppp.

Depression kicking back in when I feel my distractions crumble.
I don't know how long I can keep up making myself hide these dumb sad feelings.
Which is dumb.
But w/e.
I need to blog more.....starting tomorrow.
As of right now... its time for bed.

So I should prob blog...

Soooooooo, this is awkward, 


I was going to blog as I have plenty to talk about I just haven't got myself to do it so... here you go.

1. I've been obsessing over the musical Spring Awakening lately. I used to be obsessed when it was on Broadway with the OBC but then I forgot all about it until last Friday. Somehow I thought of it and looked it up and I became obsessed once again. I LOVEEEE it so much!!! I think it's amazing. The story is strong, youthful, and real. Plus the music is nothing short form Orgasmic. I soon began to think about my old dream to run off to NYC and get on Broadway and why I ever stopped believing in it. Now, my opinions on that dream haven't changed and I don't have any dreams like that any longer but I did realize how fun musicals are. ESPECIALLY possessional ones. I'm tired of all the drama and stress that comes from high-school plays/musicals. I want to do more possessional works where EVERYONE cares about it as much as I do. I'm ready to get my acting career started and Spring Awakening has proven how much I want it to happen.

2. This semester is about half over. This year is almost up. Next year I'll be a senior. In a year from now I'll be graduating. A few months later I'll be going to college (if I'm not on Skins). It's so scary how fast everything is going. I mean can I just stay in High School forever? At this age forever? It's kinda like when you're about to go on for a show and you wish you had more months of rehearsal even though you where bored as fuck during them. But then you go on and have the time of your life. That=My Life right now.

3. If anyone who didn't really know me that well read my blog I would seem like the BIGGEST bitch ever. I really don't believe I am and I really don't want people to think I am. So, I'm going on a cleaning spree and getting all the toxins out of my life and fixed. Fixed things with Lole. Fixed things with Chessa. Got a few people out of my life so I wouldn't hurt them anymore. I need to try even harder then I am now in school. This is my year and I don't need bullshit getting in my way.

4. I hate Kurt from Glee. Maybe I just hate most gay guys? idk.

5. I guess I do have my straight guy best friend now?...maybe two??...maybe...hopefully.

6. I guess I'm done. better then nothing.

Bye-bye huns.

hmmm,

my life is getting semi better but I still have problems :/
1. You don't understand me all the way.
2. You're pissy w/ me for dumb shit. And can't just tell people how you feel even though it's pretty obvious.
3. Well... No one understands my negative feeling towards you :/
4. You're so confusing friend wise. Talk to me more. I'm not a party animal.
5. I'm flirting w/ you for no reason...you're not getting this. I just like the attention I guess :/
6. I'm glad you said yes even though you're still saying we're going as a group.
7. I'm becoming attracted to you...no good.
8. You're so funny. And you get me in trouble but the sad part is is I ant decide wheter I like it or not.
9. You guys apply easy peer presure on me making me smoke and drink. But is that that bad of a thing? Let me live life!
10. You're anorexic and it's scary :(
11. You're a loner and I don't want you to die alone.
12. You guys are whores. It's isn't a bad thing I havnt had sex in 2 years. Get the fuck over it.
13. I know you miss me b/c you're always gone. But talking to you just isn't fun anymore and it makes me feel bad.
14. Why don't you act mad?
15. Both you say it's over but if it is then why do I still get the silent treatment...

GOAL= next blog be REAL happy.

I know this is bad...BUT

I've never wanted to make someone cry so much in my entire life. Like no joke it's a personal goal of mine. If this goal is accomplished I'd feel good for a good...month. I hate you. Go die in a hole. You pathetic, wannabe, cunt. hate this post and my views if you wish. im just speaking my mind.

Yuck.

Its been nearly a month and yet no progress.
I feel fine most days. When the sun is up and I'm around people that make me laugh a forget.
But then I return back to myself and it creeps back in my veins and holds me in its grasp.
I HATE feeling like this.
I HATE writing like this.
Reading it makes me sick but this is how I feel.
Ew.

Idk. I'm sick of everything and everyone.
I need a change.
I BIG change to shake me out of this.
I can't be around people to distract me forever.

wooooooooooow,

so,

THIS is what depression feels like...joy.

bye.

I just want GREATNESS...

Hidey Ho, 


I don't know how I feel at the moment. I have so much on my mind. I hate how I feel like I can't just become friends with someone. Like me as much as I like you dawn it! I hate how dating isn't coming easy and I keep going back to the same person. That person is one of the biggest assholes ever. I hate that today was so FUCKING boring. I mean sure I got homework done but that was about it. I hate that I'm so negative all the time. I want a change and maybe this new semester will help but I want to change on the inside too. Maybe all my problems are my fault? Maybe instead of picking the insecurities of myself and others I should pick the positive out of myself and others. Maybe if I viewed everything positively nothing bad would really happen and my like wouldn't suck mondo balls as much as it does right now. Then maybe I could actually post a interesting blog blog instead of dumb listy paragraphy things. I don't know. I JUST WANT TO FEEL AMAZING I WANT TO HAVE AMAZING RELATIONSHIPS! I just want greatness. I feel like time is running out all of a sudden and as the hands move my life becomes grayer. My friends are great but I feel like I never see them anymore. I just want someone to enter my life and add color. I want someone new and interesting I can become closer with, make me laugh, have sleepovers, have fun. I can do that with my friends now and I'm still happy there in my life. But can I please just have a bit more spice? I'm good with schedule but I'm also good with change and that's what I want. Something different and new.  

One thing that is new and my life is my new semester. 


Well my new schedule at Northwest is:

7:15 - 8:39		US History
8:44 - 10:08		Ceramics I
10:13 - 10:43		Intervention Period
		Monday: 1st Period Tuesday: 2nd Period Wednesday: 3rd Period Thursday: 4th Period Friday: Advocate
10:48 - 12:45		Spanish I
		2nd Lunch: 11:30 - 11:58
12:50 - 2:15		Physical Science

Its dumb. My classes are fine but all of them are pretty heavy on homework. I guess I'm glad I'm not doing ANY theatre this semester...its just odd. Plus the new intervention this is pointless. So...

1st Period: US History- 
It's alright. So much work and a organized notebook which used to bug me SOOOO much but no longer does because they keep me organized. History has never been my favorite subject and there isn't really many people I get along with in there so that should be interesting. I'm dreading grouping up into partners. Also we have to do note card which I HATE! They don't help me study because I memorize by picturing the image in my head. Like in plays I just read the script in my head as I'm doing the play. Kinda complicated to explain but anyway. So note cards don't help me because I have to picture EVERY SINGLE note card in my head and it doesn't work. And she told us we have roughly 1,000 note cards this semester so...FMYLIFE.

2nd Period: Ceramics I- 
Personally I think art classes are boring as shit but ceramics seemed different and I really like easy going class. I know a good amount of people in there and none I have problems with. There is a few interesting people in there like a Chinese, plump girl who is OBSESSED with cats. I short special girl that acts 8. My best friends twin.... basically everyone( I loved how I grouped Chessa's twin with that group, BAHAHA). But its Art so w/e. ANOTHER organized notebook.

3rd Period: Spanish I- 
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm kinda late taking this class but whatever. My teacher is the biggest bitch EVER and I hate her...obviously. I'm really good at languages but HORRIBLE at saying ma'am. I hate saying ma'am and sir I think its dumb. I mean don't get me wrong I understand the point...doesn't mean it isn't dumb as shit. And you can't say "what?" because its negative...WHAT THE FUCK?! Ughhh, kill me now. OH!... and another organized notebook + a billion note cards and a girl that can never SHUT THE FUCK UP. and someone cried on the first day over drama in the class...this should be a ball.

4th Period: Physical Science- 
I have a substitute in this class until spring break because my teacher had a baby. To make it better the sub has no fucking clue whats she talking about OR that she even had to take this class. She's really nice though and we can do basically what ever in it. I have a good chunk of friends in it but the rest are FUCKING IDIOTS.

Advocacy- 
Don't know anyone and we never do anything. Both times I have just sleep and this dumb bitch has never closed her mouth...UGH.


Lunch- 
So far it's been good! I sit with all the preppy girls which doesn't really bug me at all. Friday a girl came up to me and complemented me on my blog! I LOVE YOU! I'm sorry I made you feel like a creeper! truly.


__________________________________________________________________________________ 


So yeah, that's about it! 
Bye bye =] 


ps: I sounded soooo negative and cursed A LOT...oh well.

I guess everything goes downhill from here...

I'm stressed out the ying yang.
I feel ugly.
I feel like everyone is drifting apart.
I'm tired of having problems.
I'm tired of being tired.
I feel like I talk about the same things all the time.
I feel like I bitch all the time.
I feel like I'm a bitch.
I don't give a shit.
I feel unwanted.
I feel like being horrible to you.
I feel like you're fake sometimes.
I feel nervous for the new semester.
I'm ready for Divorce Southern Style to be over with.
I'm ready to stop complaining.
I'm ready to be happy more then just when you text me/talk to me/ we hang out.
I'm ready to have a love life.
I'm ready to relax.
I want to make a actually blogy blog soon.
I'm ready to go to sleep.
Lets hope it goes uphill soon.

Blah, Blah, Blah =]

Haven't seen you in awhile...

I feel like blogging but I want to make a list but I do those ALL THE TIME.
Meh, oh well.

1. So I've been listening to this song OVER and OVER again.

Its sooooooooooo good.

2. I'm going to be MEGA pissed if Skins get cancelled. Why does America have to be so damn Conservative. This is my dream and I don't want no dumb stuck up mother to crush my dreams just because she doesn't want to accept her darling children are doing or seeing this stuff all the time. FUCK YOU AMERICA. I'm moving to the UK.  I will seriously cry if it gets cancelled. No joke.

3. I want a REALLY good straight guy best friend. I'm tired of being One of the Girls I want to be One of the Guys! I understand that being hard but its just annoying. I mean don't get me wrong I love all my girl friends but I just feel like every guy should have a close STRAIGHT guy friend and I haven't had that for like 2 years now. Being friends with a gay guy just isn't very help full and many gay guys don't get along. I just need a break from talking about penis. 


4. I want to make sure EVERY number has something bold and CAP LOCKED. 


5. Everyone is really upset that I'm not doing the musical. BUT I NEED A FUCKING BREAK! What don't you understand about that. I'm tired of hearing "Well if your on Skins your going to be stressed all the time...future job...no break...blah, blah, blah." But the thing is I don't have any proof I will have fun doing the musical and I KNOW I will have fun doing Skins. I've done 6 shows this semester. 6 SHOWS. and and 4 of them I was a big part in. My grades slipped because of it and now I'm not as proud of them as I was in the beginning. I just need more ME time. Time to relax and have fun. 


6. I'm going to Senior week this year and its going to be SO MUCH FUN!!! For anyone who doesn't know Senior Week is the week right after school lets out and all the seniors go to the beach and party it up (kinda like spring break). I'm only a junior but a good 70% of my friends are Seniors so it just seemed natural to go. Plus, I'm not close with to many of juniors so I wouldn't have many people to go with so it just seemed like now was the right time to go. I'm SOOOO excited. We already got our hotel and all of us just have to pay $284 which isn't bad to get a nice hotel in Myrtle. Ima go crazy being the ONLY junior, the ONLY white person, and the ONLY guy. Bahahha, going to be the BEST.WEEK.EVER! 


7. I'm ready for this semester to be over with. I had a lot of fun though and so far this year has been one of the best and I believe I passed all my exams above 85. Not great but decent. 


8. I cried on the other day on the phone with Mikaella and Chessa because I felt like everyone thought I was a huge bitch. We had had a meeting that day and discussed our friendship and junk. I don't really believe in those types of meetings and I just felt like I didn't agree when many of the things that where being said or at least felt like they didn't go towards me. I CAN NOT keep stuff in that is bothering me it isn't good for my health and all of the things we discussed circled around that. When I got on the phone later it just got to me because I didn't feel bad about things I have done in the past. Most of the time I don't. I just learn from them and move on. Does that make me a bitch? Does it make me conceded if I have goals and I try my hardest to make myself happy? I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. I'm proud of who I am and who I'm going to be. There is a difference between rude and honest and I'm pretty sure I know it. 


With that I am off to bed so goodnight my darlings =] 

I'm ready... 
I'm ready... for this shit to be over with.
I'm ready... for people to stop running their mouth.
I'm ready... to stop running my mouth.
I'm ready... for you to realize what you've done wrong.
I'm ready... to be done with high school.
I'm ready... for Monday night to be over with.
I'm ready... for people to grow some balls.
I'm ready... to get over the feelings of making you cry.
I'm ready... to make you cry.
I'm ready... to fuck.
I'm ready... to get fucked up.
I'm ready... to fuck you up.
I'm ready... to stop sounding all gross gangstery.
I'm ready... to start next semester.
I'm ready... to pass exams.
I'm ready... for you to grow a personality.
I'm ready... for me to stop hating on the both of you.
I'm ready... for you to get more friends.
I'm ready... for my love life to begin.
I'm ready... for us to all settle down and get back to normal.
I'm ready... for you to talk to me more.
I'm ready... to be on Skins.
I'm ready... to get my life started.
I'm ready... for you to be happy.
I'm ready... to be happy.
I'm ready... to end.

happy new year!

WOOOOOOOOO!

well, happy new year everybody.

I'm laying on Mikaella's couch at 6:40am. We just got back from a lock in. It was fun! It made me think about god and stuff but that's another blog. This blog is about my new year's resolution which is NOTHING. I'm perfectly happy with how my life is now. I mean sure there is minimal things I wouldn't mind changing but those arn't important. I like my life and the people that are in it and I want that for the rest of 2011.

night night. Even though I'm hardly tired :)