Sunday, October 10, 2010

it's not even my relationship, why am I unhappy?

Greetings Earthlings,

so I'm writing this on my phone, sorry if there are any mispellings (there will  probably be many)

I told you I would start blogging again so here I go. One of my friends started talking to someone and going to the movies w/ them and junkk and I feel like that should make me happy but it doesn't. I mean shure I am happy for them but it just makes me feel bad. I want a boyfriend and someone to love who isn't family or friends. I want that feeling and relationship. But right now I can't have it. There is no one here for me and that bugs me so much. Everyone can easily find a boyfriend or a girlfriend but I can't. But also I feel like sometimes I easily stop myself from liking people. Once I start growing feelings I get rid of them faster then they even came. I feel like I have to protect myself. But then what's the diffrence from protecting myself and getting in the way of my want? It just sucks sometimes. I wish I wasn't gay a lot of the time. I'm tired of being hated for no reason. Just the other day this chick beside me at lunch was talking about gay people. How we are wrong and that girls and boys are put on the world for a reason. I'm tired of hearing people use adjectives like "disgusting" and "wrong" to describe me. I want them to describe my personality, not their veiws on gays. I also am tired of not being able to fall in love. I mean shure I can but it's sooo much harder. Plus I can't even get married. Which is stupid. All these gay people around the You.S are killing themselves and I feel their pain. My life isn't that bad where I feel like the only solution is to take myself out perminitly. I would never kill myself but I see and feel their pain.

But on a brighter note I'm doing a LOT in theatre. I'm in a one act that is going to competition. I'm the lead in the fall play and it's the part that I feel is kinda made for me. I'm in a musical called Pippin. I was originally one of the stage managers but now I'm in the ensamble and that's a good experience too. I'm also doing to monologues in my theatre D class and both are challenging. I have so much going on and it makes me wonder why I'm actually doing this if I always think that I don't like it. And I guess it's really I hate how I have to work for it but doesn't everyone hate working for what they want? I mean shure I might not like theatre but as of right now this is my only outlit for my acting so the more I do the better. It's all one big learning experience. And today while watching Camp Rocl 2 (b/c I'm lame) I realized movies are what I want to do and I ant wait for the time to come when I am actually in thhem.

well I'm off to bed. Goodnight everyone. And sweet dreams :)

1 comment:

  1. I was doing good w/ my spelling until the last paragraph :/ darnnnnnnn.