Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I want more then happy.


I'm really happy. My life feels like it's at a nice stage right now. Things could deff change and it could make it better. That's my only want at the moment is that. I usually am a happy person so being happy has lost most of it's flavor now. I want to be more then happy. I feel like my life is the color peach right now. I mean don't get me wrong I LOVE the color peach but I want my life to be more out the. Be bright and sparkly w/ many layers. I'm happy w/ peach but I'm kinda feeling some yellow. Or lime green.

I love my friends. I had the best sleepover w/ my closest friends Chanel, Chessa, and Mikaella (who couldn't stay the night but I still loved her whilst she was there ) and I feel like that alone make my life doable. I have friends I love and I'm making new friends often so that part of my life is nice. Really only the romace one stinks. I mean it's not like I would die w/ out one but it would be nice. But I'm tired of complaining over it. I just need to get off my but and talk to people more and flirt. Ughhhh.

well off to go laydown and listen to music. Text some buddies. Call Mikaella? Mmmmm. I love my life :) <3


Monday, December 27, 2010


   I feel so lonely the more people enter my life. I have wonderful bestfriends I would do anything for but I still feel like there isn't anyone there for me. I feel like I complain about everything and I should just suck it up and be happy that way I don't annoy anyone. I feel like I annoy people a lot. Maybe that's why I can't get a boyfriend. Maybe the reason is because I'm holding myself back. I hold myself back a lot. I want to follow my dreams but idek what they are. I feel like I don't know anything. I feel like shit. I feel like this blog is just a big ugly pile of sad emo stuff no one wants to read. Even myself.  I could keep going but I'll stop. I need to stop feeling bad about my body, my relationships w/ friends, not having a bf, not feeling attractive, myself.

bed time.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

On the 5th day of christmas I give to you... ONE LONG LIST!!!!

1. Well lets start of w/ what I did thursday...nothing. I didn't feel like going to school, my mom didn't care because it's my decision if I fail, and I knew I wasnt going to miss anything. So I slept for a while and got on the computer (basically what I did today). It was nice. Ive loved this semester but I am ready for some change. I love having some form or routine but after awhile it gets tiring. So it was nice to have a day of break and not have to be sick.

2. Yesterday I didn't blog because after school I felt like hanging with the gang. Chessa was going to the nutcracker so me and lole ventured to Mikaella's house. We made brownies and talked about stuff. When Mikaella's mom came home we all went to the mall to shop for sweaters. The van's seats wernt in all the way because they had been removed and we wernt sure how to lock them but we got in anyway thinking our weight would hold the back seat down...we where wrong. Throughout the ride to the mall in back our seat would launch forward or backword causing us to ether fall onto the chair infront of us or suspend backwords almost hitting the door. It was the scariest but funniest thing EVER. At the mall we walked around, made fun of things, ate some chick-fil-a. Then went back to mikaellas house. Lole had to leave so me and mikaella sat in the kitchen and talked more. THEN Mariah(mikaella's siser) came and wanted to go shopping. So we went back to the mall (not in the van sadly) and had the best time! First me and mikaella went into Bath and Body works where we made fun of things and loitered around, lwerd the sale of midnight pomegreante, when we spotted a store called "Just Casual". We kept making jokes about it and laughed at the idea of going in there and the people asking "What are you looking for?" and us going "I dont know...I was thinking of something just casual?" bahaha.
       We then ventured to Sears to ride on the escalators. We walked backwords on the one going up. High fived on opposite ones, walked around and made ugly faces. Saw a 3d tv but couldnt find the glasses. When we went to leave though a voice from behind us went "sir,sir...sir" so I turned Im a sir. And this weird Indian guys motioned for me to come over.
"Sir,"he said.
"Awww, Im in trouble aint I?"
"Sir, this isnt a playground"
"yeah, I know Im leaving?"
"yes, well good. you do that sir."
   Me and mikaella laughed oursleves out and then joked about how we should have just kept walking and we would just hear him following us going "sir,sir,sir,sir,sir,sir." and throughout the night we would stop and go "sir, this is not a playground, this is not a dance floor, etc.." We danced in basically every store in the mall. Talked loudly about sex, people around us, and life in general. It was the most amazing time EVER. and it was cool seing people that looked like they where our classmates but fat and 15 years older =]

3. Before I went to bed me and Mikaella texted eachother about how happy we where that we had eachother. Its just nice to have someone I can fully trust and fully be myself around. I love her and all my friends dearly. Its weird to see the people I considerd my best friends a few years ago to the ones I have now and its soooo diffrent. Its sad to think that some people cant open up to people the feel close to. But personaly I feel like how close can you truley be if you cant tell them how you feel about your feelings, and other things. Same goes for a relationship. How close can ypu get w/ a gf/bf or even talk to someone you want to be your gf/bf if you cant tell them stuff. Because most of the time the other person can tell that your not opening up. And that turns me off majorly.

4. Making a long list blog=Takes a long time=hard to do=very tiring=I want to keep going but I cant think of more=fail.

5. I REALLY want to get on Skins. Its so far away but the closer I get the more I think I wont get on.

6. Being stage manager for Divorce Southern Style at Old Courthouse Theatre isn't what I thought it would be at all. Its so much work and so many adults are depending on me. Its also weird to see all of these adults w/ different aspects of life and a huge variety in jobs who all like the same thing. But its all very stressful still.

7. My grades are slipping...womp.

8. How do you know if your a sex addict or a ordinary teenager. B/c I want to get w/ someone SOOO much lately. As you can tell from prior post. Oh the mysteries of life.

9. I want to work out but I dont have the modivation. My self-confidence levels have been flutulating a lot this week. I mean for most of this week Ive been accepting my body and thinking it looks good. But then today I thought i looked horrible. And everything about my appearance sucked. My legs are pretty muscular, I like my arms alright and my chest. Just that darn stomac! Ughhhh.

10. If Im on skins I wont be able to be on big brother or real world as Ill most likely be a "celebrity" in the producers eyes... womp.

11. Ive said womp twice in this I believe...womp. =]

12. Well I guess Im done! was that long enough....idrgaf if you dont think so though lol. So Im just going to go! Write again Monday...LEAVE A COMMENT.


Friday, December 10, 2010

sorry :/

uhmmm, well...this is awkward.

I'm moving tonights blog over and working on it tomorrow. I'm just real tired and I don't feel like typing. It is already planned out so it'll be basically 12 blogs in list for so be prepared!

and w/ that goodnight and sorry!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

it's not friday yet?

good day sir...or lady. Doesn't sound as good but w/e,

1. So this weeks has been moving so effing slow -_-.

2. I'm going to write long paragraph list blogs soon b/c I feel like these short list get dull. So be prepared for the friday to come!

3. I've been soooo busy lately but enjoying it. It's fun to get closer to Rass and listen to her sex jokes. Hot guy didn't show up to call backs so he won't be in the play...womp :(

4. This guy I was talking to got mad at ,e and like ditched me and acted like I fell of the face of the earth. Well thanks to the number game I talked to him. (he is the "dick" I mentioned in my other blog) well no one likes him b/c of what he did but I'm kinda used to it by him, and others. It's dumb and sad that I am but 100% true. I know if he gets single again and starts talking to me I'll be all heart eyed and junkk. Fml.


6. I have a tiny hole in my finger and it hurts like shit.

7. Everyone has had sex this week. Last time I had sex was like... 2 years ago. Good?

8. Hope my mom doesn't read that. I would NEVER tell her about stuff like that. Sex=not family topic.

9. I put my tree up in my room, it's pretty. I also have a lightup spare ginger bread castle and a plush snowman.

10. I'm ready to go shopping.

11. My legs are soooo muscular. Hot?

12. I want people to open up to me and not worry. I spill my soul out to people and some never do the same to me. If I'm your friend you shouldn't worry.


Monday, December 6, 2010

1am on a school night...tisk tisk.

well it is pretty late now isn't it?

it's late=short simple list.

1. This is totally my 2nd time writing this. Fml. Dumb phone.

2. I spent 8hours last night writing a research paper on Gay Marriage for English 3. It sucked hardcore. I couldn't get it to flow nicely but I fixed it and I'm pretty proud of the end result.

3. I started stage managing at Old Courthouse Theatre tonight it was SOOOOO fun.

4. There was 2 hot guys there. 1 was like 24 and Rass was his theacher in highschool. He was fineeeee. The other was like 30ish and looked pretty darn good for his age.

5. I think I like older men. Not that old but like 19 year olds are hottt. Weird?

6. Only thing we have on it the radio- :)

7. A lot of the women at the auditions tonight where old, had to much make-up, looked like they had botox, and wore leather boots. Yuckk.

8. I love bitching about stuff to Rass.

9. I REALLYYYYY want to make-out/ have sex w/ someone right now.

10. I still have feelings for a dick. Not at the moment but if he walks back in my life again I will. First loves are dumbb.

11. I'm scared I'm going to get my hopes up about Skins :( I hope I don't. But it'll be REAL complicated trying to figure out all the moving stuff.

12. I looked up blue waffel today...i barfed.

more on wen. Night one and all. Byeeeeee.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Happy Birthday Loley :)

1. This was supposed to be writin last night but I fell asleep. So I will be writing this now. Obviously.

2. So last night I worked at this animal place in downtown concord called KittyCity. It was fun and I wanted a job after but now thinking about it I have no time at all so it would be dumb.

3.  i hate how everytime i start "talking" to people it always turned out to be one epic fail and i start talking to them completly and im just left feeling dumb and like its all my fault but i dont think i ever do anything wrong.

4.  im in a very uncomfortable postition right now...womp.

5. i found out that most of the skins audition is improve. i suck at improv. also id miss A LOT of seinore year. but its waaaayyyy worth it.

6. i have a headache.

7.  im ready for christmas, and new clothes. b/c they make me feel hotttt.

8. im not sure what else to right about.

9. mall today was fun, but i didnt Lole anything so i felt like i sucked at life. i just didnt get the memo. plus i cant use much money b/c of christmas and junkk.

10. i didnt feel like talking much today. i still dont really. ive just been thinking a lot. about boys, audition, how my life sucks in geral. blahhh.

11. snuggeling w/ mikaella is hotttttt.

12. finally at the end. i hate how my thing doesnt capatalize the letters  after periods like it used to :/. byeeeee.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Well, here we go.

Everyone else decided to blog today so I did too. I didn't want to be the lame in the group. Everyone is blogging everday in december and I'm NOT going to. Way to much work, so I decided to blog 3 times a week. 3X4=12. This is the 12th month and 12 days of it made since. This is my gift to you! And all of these blogs will be a list of 12 things starting... NOW!

1. I feel ugly a good...95% of the time. I mean when I get cute clothes and wear them around I don't but when I'm just wearing semi-old clothes and walking around school I feel fat and gross. When people tell me I'm not I get all happy but then in my head I go "they're just saying that to make you feel better". 5 steps forward and 6 steps back.

2. I've been watching this show from the You.K called Skins since last thurday and it's coming to the USA in January. Since thurday I am 1/2 way through the fourth season. I'm addicted. Skins gets a new cast every 2 seasons and since they're filming the US one now Open Cast calls well be applying soon for other seasons.  This is my dream job and I'm going to audition. I HAVE to be a part of this. This could be my break! I would have to finish High School online and move to Toronto. But I would do ANYTHING to be on Skins. My parents agreed. TheyLll take me to auditions in NYC and if I get a part we will figure out living and stuff. TheyLre so supportive and I'm glad :)

3. Making these list are hard sometimes.

4. I have conversations in my head... A LOT

5. I get to put my big floor to ceiling tree up this weekend!

6. I'm getting way cute clothes for christmas.

7. My 2 week break of plays was nice but starting next week I'm stage managing at Old Courthouse Theatre( biggest theatre organization in Concord/Kanapolis) for the show Divorce Southern Style. I'm excited. My school director is directing it and I get to spend time w/ her which is fun. Plus boss like 8 adults around :)

8. Since I am writing on my phone it stops expanding at a certan point and I can't see what I'm writing. That point is now.

10. This is hardd. Sorry for any grammar problems.

11. I REALLY want to makeout w/ someone soon. I havnt in awhile.

?. I've lost count :( I'm guessing 11?

12. I love my friends. And I hate that I always look mad.

list #1 complete :)

p.s: I'm listening to me and Chessa Metz song as I write this <3