Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I want more then happy.


I'm really happy. My life feels like it's at a nice stage right now. Things could deff change and it could make it better. That's my only want at the moment is that. I usually am a happy person so being happy has lost most of it's flavor now. I want to be more then happy. I feel like my life is the color peach right now. I mean don't get me wrong I LOVE the color peach but I want my life to be more out the. Be bright and sparkly w/ many layers. I'm happy w/ peach but I'm kinda feeling some yellow. Or lime green.

I love my friends. I had the best sleepover w/ my closest friends Chanel, Chessa, and Mikaella (who couldn't stay the night but I still loved her whilst she was there ) and I feel like that alone make my life doable. I have friends I love and I'm making new friends often so that part of my life is nice. Really only the romace one stinks. I mean it's not like I would die w/ out one but it would be nice. But I'm tired of complaining over it. I just need to get off my but and talk to people more and flirt. Ughhhh.

well off to go laydown and listen to music. Text some buddies. Call Mikaella? Mmmmm. I love my life :) <3


Monday, December 27, 2010


   I feel so lonely the more people enter my life. I have wonderful bestfriends I would do anything for but I still feel like there isn't anyone there for me. I feel like I complain about everything and I should just suck it up and be happy that way I don't annoy anyone. I feel like I annoy people a lot. Maybe that's why I can't get a boyfriend. Maybe the reason is because I'm holding myself back. I hold myself back a lot. I want to follow my dreams but idek what they are. I feel like I don't know anything. I feel like shit. I feel like this blog is just a big ugly pile of sad emo stuff no one wants to read. Even myself.  I could keep going but I'll stop. I need to stop feeling bad about my body, my relationships w/ friends, not having a bf, not feeling attractive, myself.

bed time.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

On the 5th day of christmas I give to you... ONE LONG LIST!!!!

1. Well lets start of w/ what I did thursday...nothing. I didn't feel like going to school, my mom didn't care because it's my decision if I fail, and I knew I wasnt going to miss anything. So I slept for a while and got on the computer (basically what I did today). It was nice. Ive loved this semester but I am ready for some change. I love having some form or routine but after awhile it gets tiring. So it was nice to have a day of break and not have to be sick.

2. Yesterday I didn't blog because after school I felt like hanging with the gang. Chessa was going to the nutcracker so me and lole ventured to Mikaella's house. We made brownies and talked about stuff. When Mikaella's mom came home we all went to the mall to shop for sweaters. The van's seats wernt in all the way because they had been removed and we wernt sure how to lock them but we got in anyway thinking our weight would hold the back seat down...we where wrong. Throughout the ride to the mall in back our seat would launch forward or backword causing us to ether fall onto the chair infront of us or suspend backwords almost hitting the door. It was the scariest but funniest thing EVER. At the mall we walked around, made fun of things, ate some chick-fil-a. Then went back to mikaellas house. Lole had to leave so me and mikaella sat in the kitchen and talked more. THEN Mariah(mikaella's siser) came and wanted to go shopping. So we went back to the mall (not in the van sadly) and had the best time! First me and mikaella went into Bath and Body works where we made fun of things and loitered around, lwerd the sale of midnight pomegreante, when we spotted a store called "Just Casual". We kept making jokes about it and laughed at the idea of going in there and the people asking "What are you looking for?" and us going "I dont know...I was thinking of something just casual?" bahaha.
       We then ventured to Sears to ride on the escalators. We walked backwords on the one going up. High fived on opposite ones, walked around and made ugly faces. Saw a 3d tv but couldnt find the glasses. When we went to leave though a voice from behind us went "sir,sir...sir" so I turned Im a sir. And this weird Indian guys motioned for me to come over.
"Sir,"he said.
"Awww, Im in trouble aint I?"
"Sir, this isnt a playground"
"yeah, I know Im leaving?"
"yes, well good. you do that sir."
   Me and mikaella laughed oursleves out and then joked about how we should have just kept walking and we would just hear him following us going "sir,sir,sir,sir,sir,sir." and throughout the night we would stop and go "sir, this is not a playground, this is not a dance floor, etc.." We danced in basically every store in the mall. Talked loudly about sex, people around us, and life in general. It was the most amazing time EVER. and it was cool seing people that looked like they where our classmates but fat and 15 years older =]

3. Before I went to bed me and Mikaella texted eachother about how happy we where that we had eachother. Its just nice to have someone I can fully trust and fully be myself around. I love her and all my friends dearly. Its weird to see the people I considerd my best friends a few years ago to the ones I have now and its soooo diffrent. Its sad to think that some people cant open up to people the feel close to. But personaly I feel like how close can you truley be if you cant tell them how you feel about your feelings, and other things. Same goes for a relationship. How close can ypu get w/ a gf/bf or even talk to someone you want to be your gf/bf if you cant tell them stuff. Because most of the time the other person can tell that your not opening up. And that turns me off majorly.

4. Making a long list blog=Takes a long time=hard to do=very tiring=I want to keep going but I cant think of more=fail.

5. I REALLY want to get on Skins. Its so far away but the closer I get the more I think I wont get on.

6. Being stage manager for Divorce Southern Style at Old Courthouse Theatre isn't what I thought it would be at all. Its so much work and so many adults are depending on me. Its also weird to see all of these adults w/ different aspects of life and a huge variety in jobs who all like the same thing. But its all very stressful still.

7. My grades are slipping...womp.

8. How do you know if your a sex addict or a ordinary teenager. B/c I want to get w/ someone SOOO much lately. As you can tell from prior post. Oh the mysteries of life.

9. I want to work out but I dont have the modivation. My self-confidence levels have been flutulating a lot this week. I mean for most of this week Ive been accepting my body and thinking it looks good. But then today I thought i looked horrible. And everything about my appearance sucked. My legs are pretty muscular, I like my arms alright and my chest. Just that darn stomac! Ughhhh.

10. If Im on skins I wont be able to be on big brother or real world as Ill most likely be a "celebrity" in the producers eyes... womp.

11. Ive said womp twice in this I believe...womp. =]

12. Well I guess Im done! was that long enough....idrgaf if you dont think so though lol. So Im just going to go! Write again Monday...LEAVE A COMMENT.


Friday, December 10, 2010

sorry :/

uhmmm, well...this is awkward.

I'm moving tonights blog over and working on it tomorrow. I'm just real tired and I don't feel like typing. It is already planned out so it'll be basically 12 blogs in list for so be prepared!

and w/ that goodnight and sorry!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

it's not friday yet?

good day sir...or lady. Doesn't sound as good but w/e,

1. So this weeks has been moving so effing slow -_-.

2. I'm going to write long paragraph list blogs soon b/c I feel like these short list get dull. So be prepared for the friday to come!

3. I've been soooo busy lately but enjoying it. It's fun to get closer to Rass and listen to her sex jokes. Hot guy didn't show up to call backs so he won't be in the play...womp :(

4. This guy I was talking to got mad at ,e and like ditched me and acted like I fell of the face of the earth. Well thanks to the number game I talked to him. (he is the "dick" I mentioned in my other blog) well no one likes him b/c of what he did but I'm kinda used to it by him, and others. It's dumb and sad that I am but 100% true. I know if he gets single again and starts talking to me I'll be all heart eyed and junkk. Fml.


6. I have a tiny hole in my finger and it hurts like shit.

7. Everyone has had sex this week. Last time I had sex was like... 2 years ago. Good?

8. Hope my mom doesn't read that. I would NEVER tell her about stuff like that. Sex=not family topic.

9. I put my tree up in my room, it's pretty. I also have a lightup spare ginger bread castle and a plush snowman.

10. I'm ready to go shopping.

11. My legs are soooo muscular. Hot?

12. I want people to open up to me and not worry. I spill my soul out to people and some never do the same to me. If I'm your friend you shouldn't worry.


Monday, December 6, 2010

1am on a school night...tisk tisk.

well it is pretty late now isn't it?

it's late=short simple list.

1. This is totally my 2nd time writing this. Fml. Dumb phone.

2. I spent 8hours last night writing a research paper on Gay Marriage for English 3. It sucked hardcore. I couldn't get it to flow nicely but I fixed it and I'm pretty proud of the end result.

3. I started stage managing at Old Courthouse Theatre tonight it was SOOOOO fun.

4. There was 2 hot guys there. 1 was like 24 and Rass was his theacher in highschool. He was fineeeee. The other was like 30ish and looked pretty darn good for his age.

5. I think I like older men. Not that old but like 19 year olds are hottt. Weird?

6. Only thing we have on it the radio- :)

7. A lot of the women at the auditions tonight where old, had to much make-up, looked like they had botox, and wore leather boots. Yuckk.

8. I love bitching about stuff to Rass.

9. I REALLYYYYY want to make-out/ have sex w/ someone right now.

10. I still have feelings for a dick. Not at the moment but if he walks back in my life again I will. First loves are dumbb.

11. I'm scared I'm going to get my hopes up about Skins :( I hope I don't. But it'll be REAL complicated trying to figure out all the moving stuff.

12. I looked up blue waffel today...i barfed.

more on wen. Night one and all. Byeeeeee.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Happy Birthday Loley :)

1. This was supposed to be writin last night but I fell asleep. So I will be writing this now. Obviously.

2. So last night I worked at this animal place in downtown concord called KittyCity. It was fun and I wanted a job after but now thinking about it I have no time at all so it would be dumb.

3.  i hate how everytime i start "talking" to people it always turned out to be one epic fail and i start talking to them completly and im just left feeling dumb and like its all my fault but i dont think i ever do anything wrong.

4.  im in a very uncomfortable postition right now...womp.

5. i found out that most of the skins audition is improve. i suck at improv. also id miss A LOT of seinore year. but its waaaayyyy worth it.

6. i have a headache.

7.  im ready for christmas, and new clothes. b/c they make me feel hotttt.

8. im not sure what else to right about.

9. mall today was fun, but i didnt Lole anything so i felt like i sucked at life. i just didnt get the memo. plus i cant use much money b/c of christmas and junkk.

10. i didnt feel like talking much today. i still dont really. ive just been thinking a lot. about boys, audition, how my life sucks in geral. blahhh.

11. snuggeling w/ mikaella is hotttttt.

12. finally at the end. i hate how my thing doesnt capatalize the letters  after periods like it used to :/. byeeeee.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Well, here we go.

Everyone else decided to blog today so I did too. I didn't want to be the lame in the group. Everyone is blogging everday in december and I'm NOT going to. Way to much work, so I decided to blog 3 times a week. 3X4=12. This is the 12th month and 12 days of it made since. This is my gift to you! And all of these blogs will be a list of 12 things starting... NOW!

1. I feel ugly a good...95% of the time. I mean when I get cute clothes and wear them around I don't but when I'm just wearing semi-old clothes and walking around school I feel fat and gross. When people tell me I'm not I get all happy but then in my head I go "they're just saying that to make you feel better". 5 steps forward and 6 steps back.

2. I've been watching this show from the You.K called Skins since last thurday and it's coming to the USA in January. Since thurday I am 1/2 way through the fourth season. I'm addicted. Skins gets a new cast every 2 seasons and since they're filming the US one now Open Cast calls well be applying soon for other seasons.  This is my dream job and I'm going to audition. I HAVE to be a part of this. This could be my break! I would have to finish High School online and move to Toronto. But I would do ANYTHING to be on Skins. My parents agreed. TheyLll take me to auditions in NYC and if I get a part we will figure out living and stuff. TheyLre so supportive and I'm glad :)

3. Making these list are hard sometimes.

4. I have conversations in my head... A LOT

5. I get to put my big floor to ceiling tree up this weekend!

6. I'm getting way cute clothes for christmas.

7. My 2 week break of plays was nice but starting next week I'm stage managing at Old Courthouse Theatre( biggest theatre organization in Concord/Kanapolis) for the show Divorce Southern Style. I'm excited. My school director is directing it and I get to spend time w/ her which is fun. Plus boss like 8 adults around :)

8. Since I am writing on my phone it stops expanding at a certan point and I can't see what I'm writing. That point is now.

10. This is hardd. Sorry for any grammar problems.

11. I REALLY want to makeout w/ someone soon. I havnt in awhile.

?. I've lost count :( I'm guessing 11?

12. I love my friends. And I hate that I always look mad.

list #1 complete :)

p.s: I'm listening to me and Chessa Metz song as I write this <3


Saturday, November 13, 2010

When did this happen???

Long time, no see?

So, lately something weird has happend... boys are starting to flirt w/ me out of nowhere?! It's so weird! Like I'm just chillen and havn't changed my apperance at all and then BAM like 4 guys have started flirting w/ me at once. It's crazy. I've never thought i was cute but people are telling me I am wich is hard to believe. Even the other day my friend told me she doesn't like my bad self image and how i don't see my own beauty. IDK, it's hard for me to believe it all; and to think i could possibly be dating someone soon is CRAZY! I'm not sure where im going w/ this blog so I'll just stop here.

So goodnight and I'll blog more tomorrow :)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

pissy=blog time.


I've been so pissy lately but whatever. My blog today is going to be a love hate blog so here we go...

1. I HATE how the HATE section is the easiest to do.
2. I HATE when you dislike someoone who everyone seems to love.
3. I HATE wanting to be bff's with someone and you don't think you can.
4. I HATE how dramatically my life changes so much.
5. I HATE being single.
6. I HATE being afraid to date.
7. I HATE how I don't know what my exact feeling are any more.
8. I HATE feeling like the clock is ticking and the good times with my friendships are coming to a end.
9. I HATE how I loose friends to much.
10. I HATE my life a good...91% of the time.
11. I HATE how I sound like this whiney little bitch in my blogs.
12. I HATE not being good at any thing.
13. I HATE how I'm a sucky friend.
14. I HATE how I can't be 100% honest on my own blog or to my friends.
15. I HATE how this blog is dumb.

1. I LOVE the good music I'm listening to.
2. I LOVE that my friends stick with me even though I moun a lot.
3. I LOVE all my inside jokes with people.
4. I LOVE that Pippin is over.
5. I LOVE that The Birds is so close :)

that's it :/ I could add a few more on hate but I won't. Ughhhhhhhhh. Off to bed.


Monday, November 1, 2010


How are you?

I have a lot of questions that just poped in my head and I'm sorry but this is going to be another list blog. But you can get over it.

1. How do you know you truly like someone? How do you know that this is what you really are feeling and your not convincing yourself that you do. What proof do you need to be 100% sure and how do you get it.

2. How are you ment to be 100% honest on a blog if you know people you are talking about are going to read it. I mean if you think about it blogging is ment to be honest and to get all of your feelings out and share them. But if you don't want to name names on blog arnt you still holding stuff in?

3. I feel like I'm to much for pwoplw, even my friends sometimes. But how do you know? I feel like I'm annoying but how are you ment to tell. I wish I knew peoples veiws on me.

4. How do I know for sure if acting is what I want.

all of these are swimming around in my hand but none can be answerd. All of them are ment to be answerd individualy and that sucks. I hate dealing with inner questions but oh well, that's just life I guess.

I want everyone to put their life questions in my comments and answer mine if they'd like. :)


Sunday, October 31, 2010

Halloween :)


Since it is halloween today I thought I would tell you guys all about my fears (in list form ofcourse).

1. I'm not scared of death but of not living my life to the fullest. I don't want to be laying on my death bed regreting things in my past. I want to be able to accept everything I have done and know it was good for me.

2. I'm scared of not being able to find a dream to chase after.

3. I'm terrified of tornado's.

4. Any kind of insect creeps me out. Even butterflies and lady bugs. They are just gross. ESPECIALLY spiders.

5. Even though I'm not very religious I believe in ghost and demons and the idea of them scares me. I have had experiance's with ghost at my old house and demons with Ouiji Boards. It is a big fear of mine to be obssesd by a demon. I used to feel like I am and still feel that way sometimes. I still believe a spirt follows me everywhere and I believe it has for a long while. My mom always told me when I was little that that was just a angle protecting me but I've never felt safe with the feeling that I feel. The feeling of the presance being with me at all times and watching me. It makes me feel volnerable and weak, not safe and strong. I just don't think it's a good spirt which freaks the shit out of me.

6. I love scary movies but if anything like that happened in real life I would poop my pants. I'm REALLY scared of movies like saw and stuff where you get kidnapped and tortured. It just creeps me out and I don't want anything like that to happen to me. Or anyone I know. But I feel like this one is obvious for anyone lol.

7. I'm scared of not being able to find more fears and satisfying my readers. I'm like that with every blog I do.

8. I'm scared of not getting into a good collage and being able to make a name for myself. I don't want to be doing something I don't want to do when I get older. It scares me that the decisions I am making now are affecting my life in the future. I hate how my first two years of high school I slacked off and now those choices can prevent me me from doing what I love later on.

9. I'm scared of not falling in love. I know I can survive easily on my own but in my head being love is like being accepted by society in a way. It's weird to think about because I'm never in a relation ship but I do just want to be loved and accepted by everyone.

I think I'm done for now  I'm writing this one my phone and I can't really see what I'm writing so I'm sorry for all of the mistakes. If I think of more I'll continue on another blog. But as of right now I'm done. Happy halloween and goodnight :)


Friday, October 29, 2010



I just realized while laying in bed that I don't think I'm attractive. I've never had someone who has told me I'm beautiful or has made me feel that way. I always think I'm just this big tub of lard. My legs are fat, my butt, my stomac. The only thing skinny on me is my arms. Why do I wear skinny jeans? And then after all of that ran through my head I thought about how I sound like one of those bitches that say stuff so people tell them I'm pretty b/c that isn't what I want at all. I just want to someone to be real with me. I need to stop putting this in my head and stop distracting myself from boys b/c of it. I need to grow some balls and like myself more b/c I'm going to be in this body for a good long while. No matter how hard it'll be...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

phone blog about homophobia...

hey girl heyyyyy,

So todays topic is on homophobia and junkk.

I'm writing on my phone so this might be wonky.

So I was laying in bed thinking and I totaly understand homophobia kinda. I mean being gay does come across as "hey look at me if I'm gay everyone will love me. I'm just going to be a little juvinial punk and disobey god!". So when religious groups go on and on about how wrong it is I get it. Also most people are very clueless and ignorant when it comes to it most of the time. I feel that if you want to hate something you have to be truly knowlaged in it. And I just spelled that worng...oh well. But anyway, I get it but they need to learn and understand before they go and bash something.

In society today people see being gay as a bad thing or something to joke about. I understand that, it's like making a race or religious joke. It's only funny to the people making the jokes though. They only thing that is different w/ gay jokes is that there is no compasion in them most of the time. People need to understand that just because I'm gay I'm still a person. Also I don't get hurt by people and their opinions unless it's someone I care about or if I get death threats or something. I've noticed that people get mad a lot more them I do with this subject and I think it is just because I'm used to it. But I feel like why should I just accept those kind of remarks and opinions. Is it because I have respect for that person and their opinions or is it something else?

the only time it bothers me is when someone is uncomfortable around me because of it. Especially if it is someone I consider a friend. I have noticed that some of the people I think I'm friends with get uncomfortable a lot which sucks soooo much. And I hate that because 96% of the time it's guys. Everytime I have a friendship with a straight guy I value that friendship so much and it hurts when I can tell they arnt sure of it.  But also again I do understand their views. I mean I feel uncomfortable in a room full of straight guys so I can see their point.

I'm a very understanding persob but I'm not sure if it a good or bad thing sometimes because I'm scared that makes me nieve and stupid. A lot of my traits are like that though and the more I look into myself the more I don't like. Idk. My blogs make me sound depressed. Next blog will be happy and about my great life and not my weird sad veiws.

I need to blog more so I will. Bye :) and sorry for all the mis-spellings :/

Sunday, October 10, 2010

it's not even my relationship, why am I unhappy?

Greetings Earthlings,

so I'm writing this on my phone, sorry if there are any mispellings (there will  probably be many)

I told you I would start blogging again so here I go. One of my friends started talking to someone and going to the movies w/ them and junkk and I feel like that should make me happy but it doesn't. I mean shure I am happy for them but it just makes me feel bad. I want a boyfriend and someone to love who isn't family or friends. I want that feeling and relationship. But right now I can't have it. There is no one here for me and that bugs me so much. Everyone can easily find a boyfriend or a girlfriend but I can't. But also I feel like sometimes I easily stop myself from liking people. Once I start growing feelings I get rid of them faster then they even came. I feel like I have to protect myself. But then what's the diffrence from protecting myself and getting in the way of my want? It just sucks sometimes. I wish I wasn't gay a lot of the time. I'm tired of being hated for no reason. Just the other day this chick beside me at lunch was talking about gay people. How we are wrong and that girls and boys are put on the world for a reason. I'm tired of hearing people use adjectives like "disgusting" and "wrong" to describe me. I want them to describe my personality, not their veiws on gays. I also am tired of not being able to fall in love. I mean shure I can but it's sooo much harder. Plus I can't even get married. Which is stupid. All these gay people around the You.S are killing themselves and I feel their pain. My life isn't that bad where I feel like the only solution is to take myself out perminitly. I would never kill myself but I see and feel their pain.

But on a brighter note I'm doing a LOT in theatre. I'm in a one act that is going to competition. I'm the lead in the fall play and it's the part that I feel is kinda made for me. I'm in a musical called Pippin. I was originally one of the stage managers but now I'm in the ensamble and that's a good experience too. I'm also doing to monologues in my theatre D class and both are challenging. I have so much going on and it makes me wonder why I'm actually doing this if I always think that I don't like it. And I guess it's really I hate how I have to work for it but doesn't everyone hate working for what they want? I mean shure I might not like theatre but as of right now this is my only outlit for my acting so the more I do the better. It's all one big learning experience. And today while watching Camp Rocl 2 (b/c I'm lame) I realized movies are what I want to do and I ant wait for the time to come when I am actually in thhem.

well I'm off to bed. Goodnight everyone. And sweet dreams :)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sorry Guys,

Uhmmmm... well this is awkward.

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Ive been pretty busy trying to get all A's in my classes and doing 3 plays at once. Its really exhausting and I will blog at another time. Sorry to disappoint but I will begin soon. As of right now... my life is to busy to fit it in. But don't give up hope I WILL start again.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Me, Myself, and I


I have realized recently that all of my problems against people revolve around me. You see I'm starting this thing b/c I believe that a good morning can set you for the rest of the day. So I decided to send people messages on Facebook about what I like and dislike about them. But every time I got to the dislike part I noticed they all surrounded me. Like one would be like "I dislike how I feel like you don't trust me" But that is just because I don't trust people anyway. Every time I get close to someone I get scared and paranoid that I will get annoying and that they cant trust me and are going to leave and stop talking to me. So when I feel like I cant trust someone that's me not them. And its like that for everything else.

I also realized I overact about everything and I get scared that my friends will hate me. I am so dependent on people and it is a problem. I need to change and trust everyone more.

Well, school has started and it is great. All my classes are uber fun and none of them give out homework. My Foods I teacher just called to tell my parents I was doing great. That hasn't happened since like 4th grade so I'm excited. Its junior year so I need to do great! 

Tomorrow, I may blog about other recent events but as of right now... I'm off to do homework.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

The end is at nigh; 

3 days my friend...3!

Summer ends in 3 days and school starts and I will be a junior. A upperclassmen finally. I can look forward to prom and other high school experiences. I feel like this year will be the perfect year.  Most of the time I feel semi uncertain in the begging of the year but this time its different. Maybe its because its like a new start now that I'm no longer friends with my best friend and now have new ones. Maybe its just because I only have two years separating me from college.

This summer has in many ways changed my life forever. I have questioned everything! My friends, my love life, my college dreams, my future plans, my career, even myself. And now that the summer is coming to a close the questions are being answered and I am finding myself day by day. Now sure some answers are still lost at sea but as of right now... I'm happy with the ones I have rescued.

None of this really hit me until my class ring order thing came in the mail. The big glossy pages w/ pictures of rings with 2012's all over them and names like "Hannah, Ellen, Matt" on them. The words "Order NOW!" made me think of how short of a time I have left. Its bitter-sweet. I mean I have LOVED my high school experience so far and I am happy where I am and college and the future is a scary thing. But on the other hand I am happy to leave and start a brands new series. I mean sure a new year of school is exciting and adventures but its just a series. Looking at it its like I'm a author and High School is just one series of books I'm writing and all writers like to venture out and write another and that's what college is, a whole other series.

I'm growing up so fast and its weird to think of how much I have grown. When it feels like last year I was in sixth grade. And its terrifying... but I think I'm ready to face my future. But as of right now... I still have to finish this series.

P.S: I got my schedule - Algebra II
                                     English III
                                     Foods I
                                     Theatre IV
P. P. S: Sorry if this blog is kinda cheesy

P.P.P.S: Sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile, Ill try to fix that.

P.P.P.P.S: and yes I said as of right now... twice in this blog but get over it and suck my dick


Friday, August 13, 2010

Teenage Dreams

You turn me ONNNNNN, 

I guess that could be a form of hello?

Well today my blog is about..... *Queue Drum roll*.... LOVE. 

And now Queue the eye rolling...

Yep, well yesterday something strange happened to me. Like 3 people started flirting with me and I was just like "Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?!"... But I didn't complain.

Two of them I have no interest in dating but the other... confuses me. A Lot. 

He was flirting with me and me and him have like, a history?

I mean if seeing his penis is history then we most definitely have one. Hahahaha.

And I don't know why I'm typing like a list? But Ill just continue I guess.

Well he was flirting with me and stuff and I was back and then we talked for a Veryyyyy long time and we both like each other.

But the thing is I don't know if I actually like him.

I think I just like the idea of liking someone in falling in love.

But how do you know if you like someone?

Because as of right now I don't think I do?

But then I feel like a total skeeze because if I don't like him then I'm totally leading him on!

But when we where talking I couldn't help but flirt back and seem interested! I just couldn't it was like word vomit and I had to!

Then, this is the kicker... he told me he may have Throat cancer.


Now the problem with us before was that he lied a lot  and he could have been lying but WHO THE FUCK LIES ABOUT THAT

And now I feel so bad!

But what if I do like him?

I haven't felt like I liked someone in so long and maybe I just don't remember what its like!

Or maybe I will know when the time comes and since I don't I know I don't!

So I'm thinking I should just stop and not hurt him, because I have in the past and I don't want to do that to him again. Especially now.

My gut instincts is to stay away.

But I want to be there for him through his cancer!

And I know how much I mean to him, but it also isn't in a friend way.

I'm just confused =/

Any help?



PS: this blog is kinds dumb, I think I'm over reacting but w/e, at least it isn't a song of the day which is by the way Teenage Dream-Katy Perry

PPS: this is my 13th blog on 8/13/2010 friday the 13th!

PPPS: My birthday is exactly two months away!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Song of the Day (part two)

Song of the Day (part one)

Looking for Something


I almost forgot the introduction so I just left it simple so I could hurry up and type.

Well I just finished the amazingly wonderful book Looking for Alaska by John Green and I have so many thought going through my head. I started the book about 8:30ish pm and I couldn't put it down until about 6 in the morning because I was exhausted so I slept and woke up and started reading again at like 9 and I just finished it. Even though it was a short book it took me a good while to read it just because I wasn't trying to rush through it and just enjoy the elegant writing.

If you have never heard of the book Looking for Alaska it is about a guy who realizes he doesn't really know what the purpose of his life is and decides to "go seek the Great Perhaps" which is one of the many last words Miles/Pudge reads and memorizes. To go find the Great Perhaps he decides to go to a boarding school in Alabama that his dad went to and meets four people that would change his life forever Laura (the exchange student from Russia and his first Girlfriend), Takumi (not sure if I spelt that right but he is Japanese and raps so...), the Colonel( his roommate, best friend, and leader of the pack.), and lastly Alaska( his dream girl and the person who helps him find the Great Perhaps).

That's all I'm going to say before I start spilling the SPOILERS starting..... now.

Well to me I LURVVVVVVVED the book and it was one of the most well written books I have read. My only problem with it was the After section of it. The After section didn't bother me because it was sad it just kind of repetitive and more slow paised then the Before section. But all together it made since why it would be as the girl who kept pushing Pudge through the Labyrinth was no longer there.

One of the reasons the book copelled to me so much was how much I could relate to Pudge. In away I found him to be exactly like me.
1. He doesnt know what he wants yet he still wants to find it.
2. He never tried to find his way out of the problems and just decided to let them come and make the labyrinth his home instead of this uphill battle Alaska always did.
3. Even though he wants something he isnt going to go out of his way to get it. He would rather something to stumble his way and accept it then push everything aside to get something.
4. He loves the idea of love, even though he seems content (not right wording??) with not having it anytime soon he still dreams of it.

There are only two thing we dont share
1. He is straight
2. He obsesses over last words and it annoyed me with the whole "to be countinued" because he had to understand that it was a split minute decision to A. kill herself or B. accidently wreak

My opinion on the way Alaska died is still unclear, and I dont get how if Colonel couldnt even walk how could she do all that and drive? Maybe it was the shock that woke her up from her drunk haze but to me I feel like she wasnt planning on killing herself, but again Im not sure.

One of my favorite scene's in the whole book is both sexual scenes. I like how the where totalu not what you think they would be. The blow-job scene was sooooo funny and I couldnt stop laughing the whole time I read it. While the make-out scene was so romantic and it felt right and that it was meant to happen. What I liked was that in your head you would think it would be the complete opposite in a way, I mean a blow-job is a bit more intimate then making out and boob grabbing. But it also prooves my point that when emotion's are involved they make sex a better thing. In the blow-job scene it wasnt intimate it was ackward and unconforble and the point was to orgasim while the make out scene was so full of compasion even though they where just kissing because he had wanted this and dreamed of it and it was him finnaly getting closer to Alaska when the blow-job scene started the seperation from Laura.

All together this book means a lot to me and I think I need to read it again and think more on it. I feel like this book is really helping me find myself and who I want to be, but I think the other books on my list will too. Im just glad I started with this one.


Sunday, August 8, 2010

Song of the Day!!

Pulling a All Nighter

Once upon a time... 

I was bored.

Well I've been up all night to get my sleeping schedule back.

And throughout the night I have collected random thoughts that I have stored in my inner bookcase I like to call my head =]

But since there is so many I have decided to make another list and I'm sorry for my repeat on list form blogs.

But w/e, here we go!

1. I have been up all night looking up book's I would like to look for at our local Book Trader.
2. The Book Trader is a store that looks like shit, but they have billions of books and you can give them your books and they pay you and you can but books from there and trade them back.
3. Hence the name Book Trader.
4. But anyway, I made a handy-dandy list on a index card of all the books I want and here they are:
    Cracked Up To Be- Courtney Summers
    ANY Ellen Hopkins book
    Living Dead Girl- Elizabeth Scott
    Winter Girls- Laurie Halse Anderson
    ANY John Green book
    13 Reasons Why- Jay Asher
    Story of a Girl- Sara Zarr
    Going to Far- Jennifer Echols
    Willow- Julia Hoban(?)
    Candy Girl- Diablo Cody
    Kiss of Life
    Passing Strange- Daniel Waters
    Cut- Patricia Mccormick
    maybe Nicolas Sparks?
5. Yeah, it a lot. But Ima read em'
6. I was also up all night because I was somewhat scared I would see a ghost
7. You see, my house is haunted. Or at least my old house was and that ghost just followed me to my new house. Well Ive seen the ghost and its kinda scary to think about...Because I'm home alone =[
8. Creepy Story: When I was younger my mom heard me talking in my room by myself (keep in mind I was like 5) and she asked who I was talking to and I said "Grandma" and she said "But she isn't here?". And I said "Not that one, your mommy" and my mom freaked out... b/c she's dead.
9. True Story
10. Anywhozer, yeah so I stayed up watching TV and listening to music.
11. Then my madre woke up at like 6?
12. We had I nice conversation that made me giggle, and think.
    me- "Apparently their having like a miny marathon of Lyndsey Lohan on ABC Family!"
    mom- "Really?"
          "Yeah, Freaky Friday is on, then The Parent Trap and Mean Girls comes on at 6. Then this new movie
          comes on after called Wild Child which I think is ironic."
          "No, ironic"
          "oh, whats the difference?"
    I giggled and walked away, oh mother!
13. That made me think about my mom. So I laid on her bed while she was on the computer and smelled her pillows (not creep-like though, so don't worry I mean she is my mom for god sake!) and I thought of the perfume and make-up she puts on when she goes somewhere special.  I realized my mom looks pretty with it but I prefer her raw and without her teeth in (her teeth got messes up and instead of paying a lot of money she just said "fuck it" and got all her teeth taken out and got dentures.). I find her more attractive when she is in her pj's and drinking sundrop reading a book on her bed.
14. Thinking about her makes me happy.
15. I then thought about how its almost fall and how I love how the summer looks and feels but I hate how hot it is.
16. Well in case you don't know North Carolina's weather is a love hate relationship. During the summer it is hot and humid, so it may be 88 degrees but it feels like it 112 and the air is thick and gross. But in the winter its freezing and snow's a lot.
15. But anyway, back to 15. Well I hate how hot it is and I thought of the time my mom went to Oregon and she said it was like 80-something outside but you had to wear a jacket because it was cold.
17. I then pictured my mom in this green windbreaker she used to own which got me thinking about windbreakers
18. What is the job of Windbreakers and why are they different from a jacket?
19. Also why do they have to make that awful noise? Does the noise help to the job? Whatever a windbreakers job is?
20. Then I imagined a burglar trying to rob a house with a windbreaker on.
21. Burglar+Windbreaker= EPIC fail!
22. Then I started listening to the SONG OF THE DAY song. I had heard it before but not in awhile.
23. As I watched the video a play came to my head, I wanted to write it down but I couldn't figure out how to turn my idea into a script.
24. As of Right Now I only have a basic plot line
    Shot-song-rescue-slowly fall in love- get addicting again to coke- bf cheats when Emma (lead) wont stop or get help and tries to ignore problems- something happens- he shoots her to protect her sole- shot- song end.
25. The end will be exactly the same as the begging and throughout the play the stage would go dark and she would talk to herself.  The spotlight of her is her soul and the whole play is her looking back and seeing all the things she did wrong and trying to find out a way to fix it. The play would take place in a apartment very much like the one in the video. I would want her to be the enemy and the victim in the play. The play would be full of transitions around light as it is in the video.
26. Now I just need to find all that and somehow turn it into a script.
27. But I'm bad at writing plays.
28. I think think that it all I need to say and that my list is over!
29. And yes, I meant to put two thinks in 28.
30. I had to end on a even number... Goodbye and I hope you enjoyed!


Saturday, August 7, 2010

Closer and Closer, Book by Book

Whats Crackalakin,

I thinks that's how you spell it?

Idk, its five in the morning and Ive been up all night and I feel like I should blog... and make a list =]

1. I have been up all night watching this movie called Speak.
2. The movie is based off the novel Speak written by Laurie Halse Anderson
3. The book/movie is about this girl who got raped at a party in eight grade and ended up calling the cops after and they busted the party and everyone was mad at her and one her first day of high school she decides not to speak because no one would listen to her anyway.  She ends up falling in love with art and it pushes her to realize and cope with her past to to speak on it. It was great!
4. One thing I loved about it was the symbolism. In the begging her art teacher randomly picks thing out of a hat that that they have to draw and turn into art throughout the year. She gets a tree and at first I didn't get it but near the end I loved it. The first reason it relates is because the car she got raped in was in front of a tree and that's what she looked at the whole time. Also a tree symbolizes new life which she gets by the end.
5. Kristen Stewart was the lead and she did a great job. I know a lot of people don't like her but I feel like our acting is similar. Nether of us completely become the person we are acting as, we just put ourselves in their shoes.
6. I stumbled upon the movie because I was looking at books I wanted to read.
7. I want to read a book that's very emotional and will actually make me feel for the characters.
8. I think the reason I want a deep and dark book is because Ive never felt truly depressed. Even when my life sucks and I cryed every day I wasn't depressed I don't think. Because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew I could make my way out of it eventually.  I'm not sure if its a good thing I have never felt truly sad or not? I want to read a emotional book to feel those emotions and to feel strongly about something. I mean sure I feel strongly about my opinions and stuff but I have never felt strongly about my feelings.  I always just seem to ignore them and block them from my memory. Looking back I cant remember a single time I felt sad. Sure I might get down sometimes but I think I block my true feeling away because I'm scared of getting hurt or hurting myself. In away I'm glad I do that but for one day I wish I knew how I truly felt. Maybe that is why I'm not sure about anything... my career... my want... even myself?
9. I was thinking maybe Reality Television can help start my career in TV acting? I mean maybe that is just fate dragging me to it for a reason?
10. But I have been think a lot about teaching. Even when I was watching Speak I loved the idea of helping someone find who they are and what they love to do. I love helping people! I feel like I don't get helped enough in life but of course I never allow anyone too. I just think what could be better then helping someone become the person they really want to be! Because I would love someone like that in my life and I would love to be that person in someone else's.
11. But I'm deffo not giving up my plans for acting.
12. I realized that I seem to block away people, I get aggravated and don't want help. And I'm not sure why because I feel like I need help a lot in life.
13. I don't get why kids cant tell their parents stuff. I would love for my mom to help me because she has been through so much, but I cant. I see it all the time in movies where the parents are just clueless about their child's life and I don't get why that is. I don't get why us teens are born to block out stuff and not spill our guts to our parents. I don't want my future kids to not tell me stuff. I want to be a friend to them but I feel like no one can truly do that because I think every parent tries to get close to their kids but always fails.
14. I'm not sure how I feel at the moment and I don't know how to fin out what it is and it worries me.
15. I sound emo lol. All my blogs do but personally I think I'm happy! just confused.
16. I think blogging helps, and I have a good feeling about these depressing books I'm going to read.

MESSAGE OF THE DAY: Its not that your parents don't understand you, its that they don't know how to get you to understand they care


Friday, August 6, 2010

New Name!

Please people don't get confused, 

Well, while I was writing my newest blog I was thinking about how I say "As of right now" a lot and I thought that that would fit better then Blooming Slowly... Because even though Blooming to me means discovering yourself which is what I'm using this blog to do, it also meant shy and timid. I realized I'm already bloomed and I know that, but As of Right Now I just don't know what flower I am. 

Plus my opinion changes all the time and so does my life. But I guess that's a good thing? Idk I like the whole flower theme so I'm going to stick to that but I hope you guys like the new name! 


Sugar Daddy??

What up Bitches, 

On my mind right not is... Money. 

I realized last night (while watching Degrassi) that if your rich you can make a name for yourself and get what you want out of life sooo much easier then you can if your just average like myself.  I hate that about society because people who have money get things handed to them while others have to work five times harder to get what they want out of life. Most of the time it isn't even their fault their not rich that's just how their life pans out. It sucks because parents can try so hard for their kids to get all they want but it just never works. I don't want my kids to feel like they have to work harder then everyone else. I want to make a name for myself now so my kids don't have to worry later.

But I get it when people say "money doesn't buy happiness" and I see their point and I feel the same but I just don't want my kids to feel unhappy because they cant do something they want to do. It sucks to think there may be a college out there I want to go to but I can pay tuition or something. you know?

But then again as of right now I don't want to adopt in the idk how that would work out.

Well I guess I would adopt but the kind like in Juno where you know the girl when she is preggers.

I just don't want my dreams to be held back from the reality that I cant afford it. Like I use to want to move to NYC but then reality hit that I most deff wouldn't be able to afford it. And I hate that feeling. Its like when you wake up from a dream and you want to go back to sleep and continue it but you cant. And I never want my child to feel that way. I want my kid to dream big and ALWAYS believe its possible.

So I guess that's my MESSAGE OF THE DAY: Dream big and always believe its possible!

that sounds dumb but w/e and sorry this isn't as deep as last night


Lurveeee ♥

Hey stranger, 

I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to write about but I just feel like I should.

My mood is weird right now.

I would say I'm "horny" but I'm not because to me that means something different to me. To me when someone says their horny it means they want sex and for me there is a HUGE difference between sex and making love. To me I would never want sex because I believe making love is better then just trying to orgasm. As of right now I want the closeness making love brings then the pleasure. I'm not horny for a orgasm I'm horny for the love and closeness and as of right now I have no way to get it. But in a way I feel like I'm putting myself in the situation where there is no way to find someone to date. I feel like if I really wanted one I would be actually trying and looking rather then waiting for someone to stumble my way.

Also, I noticed in my blogs I sound somewhat shy and junk. I'm not shy at all. I mean I may be quite in a class but that's ether because A. I'm bored B. there is no one interesting in there C. I just don't feel like talking. I'm very friendly to people and I love running my Big Ol' Mouth. I noticed how much I liked helping people the other day when I went to freshmen orientation and showed the little freshmen the school and helped answer questions. I found it SOO much fun to just talk to strangers make them excited and help them out. And I feel like in acting I really wouldn't be able to do that but that doesn't crush my dreams on it. I feel like in a way this summer has just questioned my intentions of acting instead of put my hopes up on it. It just made me realize the stage isn't what I want I will use it as a tool to help my skill grow but it isn't the place I want to stay. I want to move to the screen whether its Degrassi, 90210, or a movie. Maybe that's why I want to go on a reality show?

Lastly, I realized this week I put up a front that says "I don't care what people think, I couldn't give a shit. I'm living my life for myself." in away I guess that may be true but I really do care about peoples opinions on me. When I was at freshmen orientation I could hear people talking about me about if I was gay and stuff like that. I'm not sure why but it kinda hurts to hear it even if it is just my sexuality. I hate how it filters out who I can and cant talk to. Straight people can talk to whoever the fuck they want to but since I'm gay I already have people that hate me, especially guys. It sucks because I wouldn't mind having a few close guy friends but living here and being in high school I think if people see a straight guy and I gay guy hanging out they automatically judge the straight guy so that's why guys usually just try to stay out of that situation. Which I understand but me hanging out with girls all the time doesn't help that situation ether. So its like a endless cycle, if that makes since? I just hate being segregated from people or groups, especially when it could be people I could be friends with. Also I feel like when people are talking about my sexuality there talking about my appearance as well. Its stupid to think but I just do which doesn't help my confidence. I try to come across as a very confident person when in reality I hate my body. I hate people getting judged for theirs as well. Like the other day I was at CiCi's w/ people and I saw this  obese lady I felt so sad and just wanted to cry. Whenever I see someone make fun of someone else just because their body I want to cry. And I know the whole time she was thinking about people judging her for her weight and what she was eating and it hurts because I think of the same thing. I'm crying right now just thinking about it because I feel the same way and my sister is big and I love her so much and I know some days she is scared of leaving the house because people may judge her and that hurts me dearly. I just wish people could step in someone elses shoes and see how they feel. Even though I'm not fat I still know exactly what its like, and I feel like people in society cant. So I feel like if I put up the front of not caring people wont care to judge me. But even if people hate on me I'm not going to change who I am and I feel like if your obese don't try to loose weight unless the doctor tells you to or you tell yourself you want to. Don't let society bring you down and love who you are. I know its hard to actually love yourself when you hate the way you look but at least love the person you are.

Well I guess that's it. I wrote a lot! I guess it's easier to write when you have no clue what to write about.

MESSAGE OF THE DAY: Love yourself, and love everyone around you...unless their a bitch. But if they are try to help them out because most likely their a bitch because their hurt.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Is Reality TV Really Reality?

Hello one and all! 

So as I write this I am watching Big Brother UK on youtube. I wanted to write a blog but I had no idea what to write about. Then I realized well why don't I write about what I have been doing all day Watching Reality Television! I mean since about eight grade I have been obsessed with reality television whether it's Big Brother, Real World, Bad Girls Club, or any celeb TV show. Since then I have been dreaming about being on one and have always planned on auditioning to join Big Brother or Real World when I turn 21.  So that's when I thought "well that's something I know for sure I want to do in the future!" but I can't make a living off of reality television unless I like have a billion spin offs or have a billion babies and nether sound that fun because we all know what happened to John and Kate and even New York. I also know I deffo don't want to end up like that! I'm guessing that the only reason I know that is because it isn't as big of a decision as my future Career but I don't get why it's the only one that is so clear?

Anyway, if I do get on one you bitches better watch!! 


Ton by Ton

Well hello all you crazy cats, 

There is so much junk on my mind today. I kind of feel like my mind is like a landfill and I just keep adding tons of trash to it. I mean last night I was looking on the Internet for plays I could audition for when I remembered I hate doing them. That made me wonder why the hell do I want to do them and looking all over google for them if when I'm doing it I will be unhappy. I then just said to myself "It's because I need experience because I want to be a film actor and this can help.". But when I woke up this morning I felt like that was total bullshit and that there has to be another reason. "You could be a comedian, their kind of actors?" I taught to myself while watching some Joan Rivers, but something didn't feel right about it. The only job I can comfortably say is a film actor but even that seems far away.

One Ton of Trash Added. 

Then after that whole fiasco I started listening to Marina and the Diamonds, and if you don't know all her songs are kind of sad. I started feeling sad and thinking "Wow, my life sucks HUGE monkey balls." but what I didn't know was why I thought that. I mean I have friends, a good family, a house with food and water. I have all the basic essentials for a perfect life. Just then it hit me... Love, I have no love life. I had been listening to my friends killing themselves (not literally) over people they liked and could potentially love in the future while I just sat there and helped them solve their problems. I remembered how I used to try to find boyfriends but it's hard being gay when you live in the Bible Belt and in high school. I want love! But have no way to get it.

Another Ton of Trash Added 

As of right now those two tons are the only ones I can think of but hopefully if I just keep removing them ton by ton out of my landfill I will be able to find the true me. A dirty me but the true one.


In Case You Didn't Know...

All-righty, well hello hello everyone, 

In case you didn't know these are facts about me (in list form so its easy to follow along). 

1. My name is Andrew Lee Singleton. 
2. As of right now I am 15 years old and my birthday is October 13, 1994. 
3. I currently live in Concord, North Carolina and I go to Northwest Cabarrus High School 
4. You could have found all of that in the Why... section except from the school part. 
5. I live with my mom Lynn Singleton, my dad Randall Singleton, and my sister Lauren Lentz. 
6. I act in plays but lately I have discovered I hate it but I'm not sure why because my whole life I have never      thought of myself doing anything else. 
7. Because of that I have finally realized I have no idea who I am. I mean I have a faint idea but the map to find the rest is lost at sea. 
8. And because of 6 and 7 I have decided to blog to try to find myself and discover my strengths and weaknesses. 
9. Plus since its a blog everyone can see and learn who they are while reading about me Blooming Slowly... 
10. So that is why I am here and why my journey is entitled Blooming Slowly... and I hope you enjoy.