Lurveeee ♥

Hey stranger, 


I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to write about but I just feel like I should.

My mood is weird right now.

I would say I'm "horny" but I'm not because to me that means something different to me. To me when someone says their horny it means they want sex and for me there is a HUGE difference between sex and making love. To me I would never want sex because I believe making love is better then just trying to orgasm. As of right now I want the closeness making love brings then the pleasure. I'm not horny for a orgasm I'm horny for the love and closeness and as of right now I have no way to get it. But in a way I feel like I'm putting myself in the situation where there is no way to find someone to date. I feel like if I really wanted one I would be actually trying and looking rather then waiting for someone to stumble my way.

Also, I noticed in my blogs I sound somewhat shy and junk. I'm not shy at all. I mean I may be quite in a class but that's ether because A. I'm bored B. there is no one interesting in there C. I just don't feel like talking. I'm very friendly to people and I love running my Big Ol' Mouth. I noticed how much I liked helping people the other day when I went to freshmen orientation and showed the little freshmen the school and helped answer questions. I found it SOO much fun to just talk to strangers make them excited and help them out. And I feel like in acting I really wouldn't be able to do that but that doesn't crush my dreams on it. I feel like in a way this summer has just questioned my intentions of acting instead of put my hopes up on it. It just made me realize the stage isn't what I want I will use it as a tool to help my skill grow but it isn't the place I want to stay. I want to move to the screen whether its Degrassi, 90210, or a movie. Maybe that's why I want to go on a reality show?

Lastly, I realized this week I put up a front that says "I don't care what people think, I couldn't give a shit. I'm living my life for myself." in away I guess that may be true but I really do care about peoples opinions on me. When I was at freshmen orientation I could hear people talking about me about if I was gay and stuff like that. I'm not sure why but it kinda hurts to hear it even if it is just my sexuality. I hate how it filters out who I can and cant talk to. Straight people can talk to whoever the fuck they want to but since I'm gay I already have people that hate me, especially guys. It sucks because I wouldn't mind having a few close guy friends but living here and being in high school I think if people see a straight guy and I gay guy hanging out they automatically judge the straight guy so that's why guys usually just try to stay out of that situation. Which I understand but me hanging out with girls all the time doesn't help that situation ether. So its like a endless cycle, if that makes since? I just hate being segregated from people or groups, especially when it could be people I could be friends with. Also I feel like when people are talking about my sexuality there talking about my appearance as well. Its stupid to think but I just do which doesn't help my confidence. I try to come across as a very confident person when in reality I hate my body. I hate people getting judged for theirs as well. Like the other day I was at CiCi's w/ people and I saw this  obese lady I felt so sad and just wanted to cry. Whenever I see someone make fun of someone else just because their body I want to cry. And I know the whole time she was thinking about people judging her for her weight and what she was eating and it hurts because I think of the same thing. I'm crying right now just thinking about it because I feel the same way and my sister is big and I love her so much and I know some days she is scared of leaving the house because people may judge her and that hurts me dearly. I just wish people could step in someone elses shoes and see how they feel. Even though I'm not fat I still know exactly what its like, and I feel like people in society cant. So I feel like if I put up the front of not caring people wont care to judge me. But even if people hate on me I'm not going to change who I am and I feel like if your obese don't try to loose weight unless the doctor tells you to or you tell yourself you want to. Don't let society bring you down and love who you are. I know its hard to actually love yourself when you hate the way you look but at least love the person you are.

Well I guess that's it. I wrote a lot! I guess it's easier to write when you have no clue what to write about.

MESSAGE OF THE DAY: Love yourself, and love everyone around you...unless their a bitch. But if they are try to help them out because most likely their a bitch because their hurt.

=]